Ch-ch-ch-changes

I've not been a teenager for almost a decade now. On December 1st I turn 29. And lots has sure changed in the past 10 years. But most of all me, I am going to look back at my memories and anything I may have written from then and go through how I've changed in the past 10 years with you here.

Stay tuned.

The Friend-Zone isn't what you think it is. Read More Here.

I’m going to talk about the Friend-Zone today, this is because despite what people might think, a) it does exist, and b) it is not what you think it is.

This prompts three questions: What is the Friend-Zone? What does it mean to be Friend-zone’d? How do you get out of the Friend-Zone?

So what is the Friend-Zone?

The Friend-Zone is a state of being, wherein you are romantically drawn to a friend, but rather than risk the ruining of the friendship you decide not to act on those feelings. Or that you do try and act on those feelings, but since they are not shared you decide to ignore future feelings of that kind and strictly stay exclusively friends with the person, and not letting your feelings have an impact on your friendship. But in actuality there is already an older phrase besides Friend-Zone; Unrequited Love. Now if you think of it that way, you end up having far less negative energy associated to it, plus it is easier to define: Love that is not returned or reciprocated.

What does it mean to be Friend-Zone’d? (And common myths about what is called the Friend-Zone).

The Friend-Zone is a form of rejection, plain and simple. But as I see it, in its’ truest form it really is one friend telling another that their friendship is too important to them to risk it ending poorly. Common problems with the term Friend-Zone can originate from people not being able to handle romantic rejection from a platonic friend. This truly brings into question whether the friendship was true in the first place. This can bring forth a whole new set of problems for people who go into the “friendship” with the expectation of making it into something more than just friendship. And that is not true friendship, just crappy people being crappy, because that isn’t friendship. This next piece touches on the fact that the Friend-Zone is commonly seen as a negative thing; the myths of the Friend-Zone.

“The friendzone is just a male constructed response to being rejected by a “friend”. (Let’s analyze this sentence).

Male: Girls and Women can be put in the Friend-Zone; it is not a strictly male “construct”. I know this of course because I have experienced it, by that I mean I have both been put in by and put girls in the Friend-Zone. With my previous clarification on what the Friend-Zone is, it should be clear that it is not a gender specific thing.

Construct: This implies that the Friend-Zone is not real. But it does, and as I mentioned it has existed longer than people know but under the name of unrequited love. It is not an unnatural thing, or at least when it comes to modern human nature. Romantic pursuits are all a game of risk versus reward, even more so when it involves friends. (More details here)

Being Rejected: Not a myth, there is a certain level of rejection associated to being Friend-Zone’d. But not for unknown reasons, because one of the common reasons people are angered by rejection is because the reasons are unknown to them or they believe that they are unreasonable reasons. (Which is ridiculous because that is taking away a person’s right to say No)

By a “friend”: Therein lies the key point. FRIEND. There’s a common phrase associated with the Friend-Zone: “Girls are not machines that you put kindness into and expect sex to pop out”. Now the problem that stem from this is that this is not true friendship. At any time where in which you are expecting to get anything but friendship in return for friendship it isn’t actually friendship at all, it is you being a douche canoe. Being irritated by someone saying no implies that the rejecter does not have the right to say No, and expecting all the same people to have all the same feelings as you is a completely absurd expectation. It is not your friend’s fault you have romantic feelings for them. People have “types”; what they are looking for, and personal preferences in relation to romantic partners. Just because they are your “type” it doesn’t mean you’re theirs and it completely invalidates their opinions if you are truly upset by that fact.

Just be a friend, what’s wrong with platonic relationships? Answer, NOTHING.

So when the above described people use the term friendzone it lessens it because they are not real friends. A real friend respects another friend’s choice. Where in actuality a real person should in fact respect another person’s choice, always.

Finally, how do you escape the Friend-Zone?

When it comes to getting “out” of the Friend-Zone, you have two options.

You can leave. This is the harsher of the two; you literally leave your friend. Not necessarily forever, but for now, for the purpose of speed I believe this to be the best option. The side effect of this is that you lose this person, they are no longer in your life, and when you become ready to return to their life there will be a rift, not always but at least a 90% chance, it will take a lot of work to fix what you broke.

The second option is to stop. You can’t necessarily, immediately stop having romantic feelings for this person. But you can stop. How you might ask, well simple, space and time. You don’t stop being their friend, but you spend less time with them, you give them space, or rather you give yourself space. And you try and find someone else or something else to direct your romantic energies towards. This will certainly take more time than straight up leaving, but it is the better option, you don’t make a rift within your friendship, and you keep your friend.

You could always do nothing, and hope for the best, that is always an option as well.

So herein lies my problem, I cannot find myself being romantically attracted to someone who is not my friend first. And if I “do” it is probably just a physical attraction masked as romantic. Is it even possible to be (romantically attracted to someone who is not your friend)? Well it would have to be for some people, because that is what dating websites etc. are for, finding someone to date whom you are not friends with. And there’s my problem with those for me. Yet I still find myself constantly returning to dating sites and apps, like PoF, OkCupid, Tinder, and Bumble. But sadly what they don’t have are sites like that for making friends, probably because some people would abuse the use of them to try and find a relationship be it physical or romantic, and as previously mentioned if one person is looking for something romantic and the other person is looking for something platonic it just doesn’t work.

In conclusion, it’s hard to control who you develop romantic feelings for. And sometimes they are directed towards your friends, if your friends don’t feel the same don’t be a dick about it, let your friends just be your friends, and treat them as such. Actually in general if you develop feeling for anyone, and they are not reciprocated, accept it and move on.  Also friends are great, don’t mistreat them, they are essential to good living. 

The Seven Types of Friends You Have.

In an attempt to get my blogs focus off of the string of posts on romantic love I will be doing a short series on a different and more important kind of relationship, the friendship. Well kind of, and mostly. So without further delay in a similar style to buzzfeed, here are the 7 types of friends you have.

1. Let's start at the top, the pinnacle of non-romantic relationships. The supreme relationship, the Best Friend. The first person you go to, you tell them anything, everything. They are the easiest person in your life to talk to, you share secrets, inside jokes, and even if you're apart for any period of time it’s as smooth as butter to just slide right back into where you were pre-separation. They are your favourite person in the world. There have been books written, movies made, and songs sung about best friends, and still they haven't quite captured the true essence of the Best Friend. Best friends are important, and not just to you as a person, but as a thing to have and to be, they make you better, and you make them better. It truly is hard to put into words what a best friend is, they can be very much indescribable. 

2. Now let's move on to Close Friends, these aren't your best friend, you might tell them things but not to the extent that you do your best friend. These are the people that may fit into the below explained categories initially but have surpassed the limitations, these are the people you want to spend time with socially but not all the time, they don't always necessarily make it better. They are the people you choose to have in your life. You care about these people, but you wouldn't drastically change your life for them. Unlike with your Best Friend you can live without a close friend. I have this belief that if close friends are meant to be, they will. And this sparks a quote, Jeff Goldblum's character Dr. Ian Malcolm from Jurassic Park, "Life, uh, finds a way," which I believe the same goes for true close friends.

3. Your Oldest Friends are just that. The friends that you've had for the longest time. These are your neighbours growing up, your cousins, the children of your parent’s best friends, the kid from Sunday School who happened to be your age and start at the same school for kindergarten as you. These are the people whom you have the most inside jokes with for the reason that you've spent the most time with them. Because they've known you longest, they know your past, what you've been through, all the things you dealt with growing up. They've been there for you in the past, and even if you haven't talked or spoken in a while you still hope that if you need them or they need you, that you'll still hope that if you need them or they need you that you'll still be there for each other. And in the end, it really does just come down to a matter of time.

(This next one is a concept I've been working on for a while.) 
4. The Second Class Friend, or Second Glance Friend; either one or both work. These are not your close friends, these are not the first thought friends, and these are not the friends you think to call or text on your first scroll through your address book, maybe during a second glance through though. The S.C.F.s are the easiest to reschedule or break plans with because you're not that close to begin with (right? Only if it's mutual after all). This is not the best kind of friendship as one might guess, for either of the people involved, the person who is the S.C.F. can end up feeling left out, unimportant, forgotten about, and inversely making people feel those things is a pretty shitty thing to do to people. They may not end up being all that close to you, but they are still people none the less. As much as people might not be your best friends, or close friends, it doesn't mean that they have to feel lesser or second class, the primary word is friend after all.

5. Facebook Friends (I feel oh so tempted to just leave that one just as it was, and add no explanation behind it, but I do also feel as though that would be a bit of a cop out.) Unlike the S.C.F. there is no doubt about the level of friendship between you two, you have no filter on who your Facebook Friends are, you can collect Facebook Friends. In the long run this might seem harsh but Facebook Friends are inconsequential, they can run the gamut from people that you once met at a concert, to people you worked with for a month, to those people you went to high school with and don't talk to. 

6. On to Work Friends. Common misconception is that you don't actually have to work with your Work Friends. These are the friends of convenience, you might work with them, you might have a class with them, or even just live near them. This is a friendship precipitated on proximity. You befriend these people as a means of survival, to not rock the boat, or to even just combat the monotony of everyday life. These are basically entry level friends. Because there's the most growth potential there, these are the people you tend to spend a decent amount of time with. This is all of course within which ever given social construct that brought you together, you don't tend to spend much if anytime outside of the social construct with these given people.

7. Lastly Internet Friends. These are not conventional friendships, you don’t have to have necessarily met these friends, but they also don't have to be from the internet either. The term Internet Friends can encompass pen pals. These are distant friends, but not necessarily physical distance. But even if it isn't a physical distance, you don't spend physical time with these friends. These friendships are not immediate, meaning that you can't have the same communication expectations of these friends as others, you have to give your internet friends time to reply, time to read what you need replied to. In saying this it does not mean that you can't get close to your internet friends or that they can't be relied upon because they can be, but you can't just call them up in the same way you would with a close friend. But they can also be your most patient of friends, because in the same way that you can wait for them, they wait for you. They don't tend to leave overly easily and they tend to be quick to hop back into an old rhythm after a long period of not talking. They are good friends to have, but not if they happen to be your only friends.

Finally, Acquaintances. Now I know I said 7 types of friends, and acquaintances makes 8, but acquaintances aren't your friends. They are people you know, or have met maybe once or twice before. They are pre-friends, they are those people you work with and don't want to be friends with but put up with them because you feel obligated to, they are even the person you made out with that one time at a party. But in general the interesting thing about acquaintances is that they are not as the word implies, quaint, they don't tend to last, they fade into the void. In saying all this I should make sure to reassure you that you are not unfriendly towards these people but they are wholly not your friends. I don't want to say that they don't matter, but it's just that they don't matter to you, just yet, they could but they also couldn't. I swear I am not trying to make the existence of acquaintances sound bleak, but if I am explaining the types of friendships I feel as though I would be amiss if I were not to mention them.

Now, I am sure I didn't cover every single possible type of friendship because they are many and varied and as "predictable" as human behaviour might be, it is strange weird and confusing, and therefore cannot necessarily be defined in average terms. But hopefully, this helps in some way, maybe just informs, but maybe not help per say. I wrote this to help illustrate that non-romantic relationships can be just as weird and complicated as romantic ones, once again because people are weird. And if anyone tells you otherwise they are wrong.

Post Script: As you can see beginnings and endings are still not my strong suit in writing these. But I am writing, and that's what truly matters in the end.

What's With This Brony Thing Anyway?

Let's get started, and I know what some of you may be thinking. What is a Brony? So in the simplest terms a Brony is a fan of the television cartoon My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.  Now where did the term Brony come from exactly? And well that's a bit more complicated, simply because there are two trains of thought on the matter. One being that it originated on the online message board 4chan's page/b, so b-ponies became Bronies. But here's where it gets confusing, because how did b-ponies become Bronies and not bonies besides for the obvious innuendo-y reasons. Therefore I present the simpler and more logical explanation: bro + pony = Brony. Now what you might say to yourself isn't bro a primarily male term? and though there is an unusual amount of the fan base that is male some of the female fans did want their own title that they could identify with, thus pegasister (Pegasus + Sister = PegaSister) was conceived, though that term is not universally accepted by the female fan base, and some still prefer the term Brony.

So why is there such a big deal surrounding a cartoon meant for little girls. Well besides there being an unusually high adult viewership, it is at the best word to describe it, a wholesome show. The characters are varied and they find themselves in mostly semi-relatable situations for young people. The show displays a more realistic portrayal of friendships than many shows around. And as a throwback to cartoons of old the episode usually ends on a high note with some sort of a moral message.

With saying all that you might be asking "where's the controversy?" and it spawned from where much controversy currently lives: the internet. That shouldn't be all too surprising though considering that 4chan is part of their history, and if you didn't know 4chan was responsible for the semi-recent past's largest leak of stolen celebrity photos known as "The Fappening", or at least that is where the leaking began. Now that you know where it came from, on to what it is. The generalised explanation that I can give is that the actions of the few extremists write the perception of the many. An explanation amongst the Bronies is that there is a faction that the others wish would not exist, and therefore do not talk about. These of course are the fans that choose to sexualise the ponies, and not just in their minds which is bad enough, but also in drawings, fanfiction, etc. then they proceed to share these with the internet, where anyone can find them. The people who end up finding the sexualised pony stuff (because I can't think of a better way to put it) unintentionally just happens to be the shows intended target audience, small children mostly little girls. And thus it is assumed that all adult fans (Bronies) sexualise the ponies and transform a wholesome show into something perverted. And that of course is the primary reason behind their poor reputations.

So, why are people doing this? Well that is a simple principle: People are weird. I am not ne to judge people on their sexual preferences, but in this case I am reconsidering. Now I know that I may have mentioned here previously that at a young age I found myself enamoured with several animated characters myself such as Jean Grey, Mary Jane Watson, and Ami from Sailor Moon. And later on I would find myself infatuated with television and literary characters. I see nothing wrong with that in practice; it is okay to develop crushes on fictional characters, from what I can tell it is a natural and normal behavioral practice. This is assuming that you also must realise that fictional character are not real and that they are not a substitute for a possible real tangible person. I think that is where this sub-group of Bronies has gone wrong they are using these animated fictional characters as surrogates for the real thing. Though two sided relationships may be hard, both to find and to keep, and giving a real person the power to hurt you may not seem like the smartest thing to do, but still favourable to something that is literally just in your head that you choose to unleash upon the internet.

If we're being real there are more interesting "children's" cartoons on right now. Such as Adventure Time, Gravity Falls, or Steven Universe. Don't be ashamed to like what you like, or watch cartoons hos intended target audience happens to be small children. Just be careful about what you decide to post on the internet, you never know who will see it. Also don't sexualise cartoon characters.

Post Script: Now, I wouldn't call myself a Brony, I'm not against the show, I liked it. Also I finished filing my first notebook. And this is the first post written originally in my new notebook. I just ant to thank everyone who visits and reads these things I post. If you ever have any comments, just let me know. 

The Single Parent Conundrum.

So this will serve as my second letter to/for people on dating sites... well kind of. This is about dating single parents, inspired by the fact that a decent majority of people on dating sites happen to be single parents.  Now me not being a parent of any sort myself, and yet having been raised by a single parent, I feel as though I can provide a different perspective on this topic.

I grew up in a single parent household in the time before internet dating was even a thing. Before the internet was even a big thing. But my mom still did date, now not initially that I can remember, but she did date. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with single parents dating, the pursuit of romantic love and companionship is not limited to childless people. If you've got a babysitter (assuming that they are young enough to need one) and some free time then you deserve to go out and have a little fun, everybody needs a little me time now and then.

So I am on a couple of dating sites, which I possibly have mentioned before, and thus I have come across the fact that they appear to be primarily populated by single parents. And therefore I find myself facing a decision where I could potentially limit myself or not be a dirt bag and be open to dating a single mom. That being said, I know for a fact that personally I am not finding myself ready to be a parent quite yet. But I still have no issues with dating a single mom, and at this point you might be asking how that might work exactly. Though I do have a couple rules in association to this point.

1) I don't want to intentionally meet your children.

• I know this would mean that you will be constrained greatly by time. Because they come first. Absolutely.
• This does not mean that I never want to meet them, it is just not yet.

Reasoning: People tend to form connections with other people both kids and adults. If it doesn't end up working out, I wouldn't want your kid to have to deal with a broken connection that they cannot fully comprehend. They already have to deal with that considering that their parents are no longer together.

Exemptions: 

• Unintentional or accidental meetings, because of course things happen.
• We have something real; no real isn't the right word. Something serious, something noticeably not short term. I can't put a timeline on this, but, I mean I'm thinking a minimum of 6 months, maybe even a year.

2) I don't want to replace your child's father.

• Depending on the circumstances surrounding your separation having both parents involved is beneficial or so I hear.
• This does not mean I think you should get back together with your ex just to raise your kid(s). But you really shouldn't be dating to try and find a potential replacement or substitute parent.

Reasoning: As mentioned before both parents deserve to be involved depending on certain circumstances of course. Those circumstances being; them being around, wanting to be involved, and not being abusive. Also if the child does not respect the person that you're trying to introduce into their lives, they won't end up respecting them as any form of parental unit, which might seem normal if they were say a teenager, but not so much if they're younger than that.

Exemptions:

• Adoption when/if the child is okay with it.
• The child is a young infant, before concrete memories form. Or if you are involved pre-birth and the other parent does not want to be involved in any capacity. (May be going contrary to the above mentioned 1).)

3) (Not so much a rule as a guideline) At a young age we are taught to share our toys, but that's not always the easiest thing to do, and sometimes it is. But the problem is that people aren't toys, well not so much a problem but a truth, and therefore they are much harder to share. This rings especially true if you haven't had to share them before. (As I am writing this I realise that this is not only about children having to share a parent for the first time but could very well be about the adults). It is especially hard for a child to have to share a parent for the first time though. This is because before this it was only you and them. And the thing about kids is that they are a lot smarter than adults give them credit for. If their comfort is threatened they will do whatever they can to return it to what they view as normal. Change is difficult, especially at a young age. They can become bratty, jealous, uncooperative, and do whatever they can to sabotage the situation. The situation can worsen if both parents are single parents, because then the child will not only feel threatened by the other adult but there will also be another child  to compete for attention, which is exactly what it will seem and look like.

Now onto story time. I am going to give actual examples of my mom's ex-boyfriends as I remember them. All I ask is don't judge her based on the people she's dated. I will not be using their real names for obvious reasons.

First. I'm gonna tell you about Ichi. From the best of my memory Ichi didn't last overly long, and I was introduced to him probably far too early. I thought he was cool, he played guitar at church and was always willing to help me out, he seemed nice. But I was introduced to him too early, also was quite young at the time, so I can remember him in a good light. When I was older, significantly, I asked her what happened, and it turns out he was controlling, he wanted her to stay cloistered, and he tried to keep her isolated from the people around her. So needless to say, he was a douche canoe and I am glad he's not in her life anymore. 

Second, I guess I have to talk about Ni. He was in our life the longest. I want to say it was about three and a half years we ended up living with him, I think, it was a significant amount of time anyway. He tried to be a replacement for an absentee parent. By the time he had entered my life I felt no need for a "father" my mom did a great job by herself. I should also mention at the beginning, pre-move in I was only a child, old enough to know I didn't need a "father" but young enough that I did get bratty and uncooperative, because he already had three kids at the time. It didn't really help that at the announcement of the impending move-in it was combined with my mom announcing that she was pregnant. But my brother did come out of their relationship, so that is a plus, but inversely he was verbally abusive, detrimental to my self-esteem at a pivotal time in my developmental life. Not to mention that if there was someone who could be considered a professional victim, it would be him. And very happily he is mostly no longer in our lives,

Third, would be San. San started a trend of my mom dating good guys. He was nice, had a good job, non-abusive, and an appropriate sense of humour. Needless to say, he was a good choice, the problem was that he had an only child around my brother's age, and since my brother was used to sharing my mom with me, and he did and still does have a relationship with his father, so it's not as though San was trying to fill that "void' in either of our lives. But that didn't change it, his daughter's unwillingness to share him, it having been a long distance relationship, and he wanting to spend more time with his daughter resulted in the crumbling of their relationship.

So, that's a thing I decided to share. But I hope that this doesn't dissuade anyone from pursuing a relationship with a single parent or single parents from dating. I feel like I should also mention that though I only shared stories of my mom's failed relationships, she is currently in a rather successful one and has been for several years. He is a wonderful man, so don't give up on looking for that someone special. 

Post Script: Sorry if this post turned out to be a bit of a downer. Was it a downer? I don't know. It had a bright ending so I think it was good, but I also wrote it but you know. This post was certainly longer than I had expected it to be. Also Ichi, Ni, and San are the Japanese words for one, two, and three. There is no significance in my choosing of their names.